Hey, you! Yes, you. Most of you have been on this journey with me from the very beginning, for which I am forever grateful. Four and half years ago, almost a thousand of you watched a grainy video of me sitting in front of a pink wall, telling my story about my invisible disease—Fibromyalgia. My intentions were to only post that video on National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day to bring awareness to the disease. My only hope for the video was to help someone going through pain feel less alone while on their journey. However, through His divine will and providence, God had something far greater in store. Now that we’re four and a half years in and much more acquainted, I feel that it is time for me to share much more with you all about the true purpose that lies behind the birth story of Journeying With Janay.
Being completely transparent, I’ve dealt with health issues since a baby. From being diagnosed with chronic asthma as an infant, to to experiencing frequent heavy nose bleeds as a toddler, to having lactose intolerance as an adolescent, to the severe on set of migraines and a hemiplegic migraine in my early teen age years, to finally being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at age 16. My life has been a whirlwind of sickness, pain, and debilitating obstacles to overcome, just to be thrown back into a spiral of never-ending pain, flare-ups, doctor’s visits, hospital stays, experimental procedures, tests, medications, a brain surgery, and most recently, the possibility of a double hip replacement.
For the average person, this amount of pain and despair is unfathomable, so for a young child growing into a teenager, it was literally soul crushing. The soul-crushing blows almost came to an end when I was 18 years old. I was so tired of a life of pain. I was sick of being a medical mystery. I was sick and tired of the back and forth to the doctor’s with no end in sight. Most vulnerably, I was sick and tired of praying and God not delivering me from this life of pain. One night, when I was at my literal wits end, I wrote a note to my parents and brother, gave them passwords and access to all of my accounts and devices, told them how sorry I was, took about 20 pills, and told God, “If you love me like you say you do, please don’t allow me to wake up tomorrow morning.” From my limited view, suicide was my only way of escape, or so I thought.
Needless to say, but important to tell, I woke up the next morning and it was like nothing had happened the night before. When my parents woke me up, I uttered the words, “Why am I still here?” Of course, they didn’t understand why I said it, so I had to explain to them what I had attempted. It was only a miracle that I had no physical or mental impairments from my suicide attempt, but I did grapple with severe emotional pain and guilt. For the next few weeks or maybe months, I was literally angry with God. I remember asking my dad, who’s also my Pastor, “If God loves me like He say He does, why did He keep me alive just to live a life of pain.” In that moment, my dad swiftly turned into my pastor and began ministering to me. In that moment, I didn’t want to hear it. No amount on scripture, Bible stories, or prayer took away my physical pain.
I laid in bed for the next few weeks depleted, angry, numb, and empty. I started to use music as an escape and a way to cope. Then, I eventually started writing. For the next two years, writing became my escape. God would deposit small nuggets and I would type them in my phone. Being completely honest, I didn’t know what to do with them at the time, but I kept writing. During this time, I began to develop a personal relationship with God. His way of speaking to me was different. The only way I can describe it is not in my own words, but in the words of the great Kirk Franklin, “It’s literally like God downloads ideas and then gives me the words.” Whether it was in my prayer time or intimate moments of worship, God kept speaking and I kept writing. Eventually, I entitled the gems that God had given me, “Jay’s Jewels”, and began posting them on Facebook in 2018.
I wasn’t very consistent with posting, and I honestly didn’t take it very seriously. I didn’t think that what I was posting would help anyone, so it just became cathartic for me. Then, the next year and a half of my life became so painful. I literally lost all of my grandparents in the span of 18 months. I fell back into a slump of grief and begin to ask God why I was facing so much pain yet again. Not to mention, at this time, I was dealing with the ending of a long term-relationship, had just had brain surgery, and was still experiencing the daily debilitating pain of fibromyalgia. As I began to pray more and dig deeper into the word of God, He led me to what is now my favorite scripture, Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”
From there, I began going see a therapist, which was and is still one of the best decisions I ever made, and all the pain started to make sense. With the foundation of my faith, coupled with the therapeutic tools I gained, I started to realize that the pain had purpose. From there, I would wake up daily and say that I am turning pain into purpose. I began to pen more Jay’s Jewels, but I heard the voice of God instruct me not to post them. So, for a year and a half, I was obedient. I would only post what God would tell me to post every so often, although I was writing constantly.
Fast forward to May of 2020, I heard the voice of God say, “It’s now time to tell your story.” On May 11, 2020, I put on a purple shirt that I gotten made the day before which said,” Everything hurts, but I’m still smiling.”, sat up a tripod, and recorded my first video. I did what God told me to do and told the story of my diagnosis and journey being a fibromyalgia warrior. The next day, May 12, 2020, which is National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day, I faced so many issues trying to get the video to upload to Facebook. After hours of trying, it finally uploaded. My intent and prayer was and still remains, “God please allow my story to touch someone and help them feel less alone. Allow me turning my pain into purpose to encourage and inspire them to do the same.” Thankfully, so many people were helped, encouraged, and inspired. It even surprised me that people without fibromyalgia were just as touched. Unbeknownst to me, so many people were looking forward to the next video, but I had no next video planned. LOL! That night and the next day, I went in prayer and told God to use me as He sees fit. Two days later, he gave me the name for my brand, “Journeying With Janay”. Within a week, I got a logo made, started a Youtube channel, and JWJ was born.
Now, as I sit here, in the midst of a flare up, four and half years later, I can only say, “Look what the Lord has done!” From stepping out on faith and creating a website, sharing weekly blogs, creating a sub-brand, “God Be God-ing”, as a reminder to everyone that God will always be who He promised to be, to being featured on Tabitha Brown’s “Very Good Monday’s”, to encountering and helping countless people. I can truly say that where there once was pain, there now is purpose. No, everyday has not been easy since I gave God my “yes”. I still struggle with horribly debilitating fibromyalgia flare ups and other ailments. I am human, so I do get weary and tired. Some days I do want to give up, but God always reminds me that He called me to this. He has trusted me with this journey and I will not renege on the promise I made to him. My resolve still remains just as Job’s resolve in Job 13:15, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.”
It is my hope that by sharing this very intimate and vulnerable part of my story and subsequently, Journeying With Janay’s birth story, that it allows you to see the goodness and glory of God. For it is through no strength or power of my own that I stand before you today. It is only because God kept me in moments that I did not want to be kept, because He had already written my story. He already knew the times that He would have to save me from my deepest despair. Most importantly, He knew that where there was once pain, there is now purpose. I sincerely love and appreciate you—my J-Bugs, for creating a space for me to tell my story and for God’s name to get the glory!
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