Hey you! Yes, you. Have you ever felt like you were not yourself? You can’t put your finger on it exactly, but something feels off or not quite right? It’s like a piece of you is missing, yet the shape and gravity of that piece are still hard to quantify. The only thing of which you’re certain is as soon as you have that piece of you back, you’ll feel complete. Well, you’re not alone because I’ve been feeling like that for a while now.
For some time, I’ve felt as if a piece of me was missing. I wasn’t quite myself. I was trying to mold myself into a new shape to compensate for my missing piece. However, despite my best efforts, I still had a longing for that missing piece.
If I’m completely transparent, I would consider myself a pretty self-aware person. From going to therapy bi-weekly, to journaling and having accountability partners, I regularly take an introspective look at myself. Although I was actively doing all of the aforementioned work, I still had a difficult time determining what the missing piece was. After all of my failed attempts to try and figure it out, I turned to my source—God—to seek His guidance as to what I needed to add to my life in order to feel like myself again.
Characteristic of God and His track record, He did not do things the conventional way, which brings me back to a very familiar passage of scripture found in Isaiah 55:8. “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.” God literally sat me down so I could be still enough to hear His voice. For the past year and three months, He’s used the proverbial thorn in my flesh—fibromyalgia—to keep me stationary. Many of my days have been filled with debilitating pain that caused me to be literally stuck in bed. During those times, it was just the four walls of my bedroom, God, and I. Although those moment were and remain lonely, I’m grateful for them. In what I assumed was static moments were blessings because each allowed me to develop a deeper connection with God; process old hurt, unrequited feelings, and other unhealed wounds; and allowed me to rediscover a passion that I had all but thrown away and would’ve been a fatal flaw to discard. Truly, I am ever grateful that I allowed myself the grace and space to learn from and through these experiences, embarking on the journey back to me.
A year and three months ago, I felt defeated and that God had forgotten about me. Little did I know, God was carving out a path and making space for me. He was removing all the people and things that no longer served me. He was refining me through every trial as well as moment of pain, difficulty, and loss. He was taking me on a journey back to me and I didn’t even know it. He was reintroducing me to myself, and now I have been released to reintroduce you all to Janay!
I know it is a bit lengthy; nonetheless, upon reading this blog, I pray that you are inspired to go on a journey of self discovery to return to you. I pray that you truly seek God to find your missing piece(s). I pray that you are open to the journey. Most importantly, I pray that you trust God enough to submit and surrender to His unconventional ways, even when you don’t understand what He’s doing. If you’re willing to do all of this, and possibly face some hard truths along the way, then welcome to the journey back to you, my J-Bugs! I look forward to meeting and growing with the new you!
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